Singleness in the Church - Julie Miles

I wonder how many of you have heard anyone talk about being single in church?

I’ve been in churches for over 40 years and I cannot remember having heard a talk on being single.

This is surprising given that Jesus never married, nor did the apostle Paul, arguably the two most important people in Christianity. It is also surprising given that in the general population, 40% of adults are single in the UK. This rises to over 50% when people are over 65.

Single people include those who have never married or been in a civil partnership, or are not co-habiting, and those who are divorced or widowed. They include single parents.

According to statistics, we are becoming a more single society. So, why is so little attention given to single people or rather the subject of singleness?

I think one reason is that both in Society at large and in the church, being in a partnership is seen as being “the norm” and to be preferred to being single. You only have to listen to popular music and love songs to know this. Another reason, particularly in the church, may be that most leaders are married, apart from in the catholic church of course, where priests have historically not been allowed to marry. If you are married, singleness is not on your radar. It’s not your experience. You are probably too involved with married or family life to think about it.

As part of our “Inclusive Church” series, and to raise awareness, our church is looking to join the “Single Friendly Church” network. This is basically to become more aware of the unique challenges Singles face within church specifically and in general life. To join we have to subscribe to a code of conduct, if you like, to show we think about single people, are aware of their experiences and are welcoming to them.

Single people are not an amalgamous group. They come in all ages from 18-100 plus and encompass all stages of life. They include young singles starting out in their adult lives, many hoping to find that special someone as a partner; there are those who don’t want to marry or co-habit; and those who have been married or in a civil partnership or co-habiting and are now divorced, separated or widowed. They may or may not want to find another partner. They include single parents. They include people who identify as LGBTQ as the sexual orientation of  these people has historically not been accepted in church.

Being single, of course, has an upside, and there are many people who are happily single. The upside is the freedom to choose what you want to do with your time, without being answerable to another person or having to consider their needs. The downside is that you don’t have the support and companionship of someone who is there for you, consistently committed to you. You don’t have someone to come home to or to talk about day-to-day things with. In times of sickness and hardship, single people may long for a caring partner especially. A good partnership is also an advantage in building a family unit and can be more cost effective as living arrangements are shared and there is potentially more income, though not always.

Whilst some singles are happy to be so, many would ideally like to have a loving partner, but for various reasons, haven’t met someone suitable, or been in a position to commit, or are no longer with a partner. Of course, the grass can look greener on the other side! I remember a previous church leader of mine, saying that married people wanted to be single and single people married!! Our imagination of what the other state is like can be far from reality!!

Regarding Singles’ experience in church, I would say that the evangelical church hasn’t always helped people. This is mainly because the church, historically, has been made up of more women than men and also due to teaching that has restricted people’s choices. For example the teaching that you can only marry a Christian and in the Catholic church, only marry a catholic.

In evangelical circles this is based on the verse “Do not be unequally yoked to unbelievers”. (2 Cor 6v14). The context of this isn’t specifically to do with relationships. Whilst I can see it is advantageous to be married to someone with the same faith, I would argue that a person’s character and integrity and being able to get on are of equal importance, if not more importance. If they respect your faith, surely that could be enough? It is a subject that is open to debate.

I should not forget to mention gay people, who up until recently, could not get married in church at all.

In our church, I feel single people may have a better experience than in some churches as people who are single and those married or in a partnership are pretty evenly matched. The leadership are caring and encouraging of single people, I feel, recognising that they comprise a large part of the church. However, there is always room for improvement and I think it is helpful to look at what the Single Friendly Church Network sees as important in validating single people.

They suggest we cover 5 different areas and I’d like for us to discuss and put our views forward on these now.

Know your community

Consider what types of single people there are in the church – never married; divorced; separated: widowed; single parents; elderly living alone,

What might their specific experiences be? What might be their different needs, concerns and challenges?

How might our church welcome more of these types of people and ensure the church values them?

Messaging

Is the language we use inclusive or geared towards families? Could there be a message on the website etc that specifically mentions single people for example?

I think generally our church does not emphasise family life and often uses the term Church Family which is helpful.

Welcoming and Belonging

Consider how you can foster a welcoming community in your church, especially for those coming alone. Remember that people who regularly come on their own can still sometimes feel invisible.

What happens after the service? This is often the hardest part for people on their own. I have often in the past drifted off back to an empty house, feeling unseen and lonely. Of course, we know as singles we have to make an effort too!

A great thing we do in our church is usually go out for a meal together which really helps single people feel included. We do need to ensure everyone who wants to, can join in this as people have different situations.  “pub church” has the same effect is also a good thing for single people to feel included.

Celebrate not only family type things such as Mother’s Day & Father’s Day, engagements, births etc but also other things e.g. New job; passing an exam; personal achievements etc

Hospitality – having people round for a meal.

I’d like to say that I think our church is pretty good at treating everyone with consideration and on Mother’s Day, for example, all the single ladies are included which means a lot.

Practical needs = e.g. moving house, DIY, transport, illness – Single people may not always have the same support networks as others. This may be especially true for single parents.

How does the church respond to divorce and bereavement? Do they talk about it or gloss over it?

Teaching

Choose topics that are relevant to everyone, not just couples and families. Use illustrations and life applications relevant to single people.

Specific teaching on singleness.

Single people in the Bible.

The importance of friendship. This is particularly important for single people.

Leadership

Are single people represented in the leadership team and in various roles? E.g. worship, preaching, small group leaders.

How do we empower single people to use their gifts or realise which gifts they have? Single people may be using their gifts outside the church – how can we encourage them?

When recruiting for church staff, ensure there are opportunities for married and single people.